Navigating the Storm: My Ongoing Journey Through Mental Health and Self-Discovery

For the majority of my life, I've faced challenges with mental health. This reality became clear to me in my teens, while I was striving to complete my college coursework. Despite my efforts, I found myself unable to do the work. Many might label this as burnout, and to a large extent, they would be right. However, the feelings I experienced then lingered, extending beyond just that period of my life.

From that point, self-doubt and self-criticism became my constant companions, accompanied by a pervasive sense of emptiness. I found myself pushing friends away and declining opportunities, afraid of being judged. Today, these struggles with mental health persist. Although I've developed methods to manage my depression, there's always a looming cloud on the horizon.

In my last blog post, I mentioned embarking on a health journey. I've made significant strides in losing weight and enhancing my fitness and strength. However, these achievements haven't completely alleviated my mental health struggles as I had initially hoped. I believed, in part, that improving my physical health would also resolve my depression, partly attributing it to a lack of self-love stemming from my views on my weight and health. This belief, I now realise, was rooted in the self-criticism that my depression fostered.

As I write this, I feel the metaphorical clouds returning, darker and more ominous. This resurgence is a stark reminder that my mental health challenges won't simply resolve themselves; they require active, ongoing effort. Simply getting physically healthier won't change my self-perception. Despite being healthier, I find my self-loathing has only morphed and intensified. I struggle to empathise with myself, unable to see my own worthiness of empathy and love. Without addressing the mental aspect of my health, there's a risk of developing an obsessive fear of reverting to my former self.

This admission is raw and unfiltered. I'm not proud of these feelings, but I recognize their reality. It's possible to harbour multiple, seemingly contradictory thoughts and emotions simultaneously. I can feel disgust towards myself while also appreciating my progress. I can love and respect others regardless of their appearance or choices, despite not extending the same compassion to myself.

I acknowledge the need for self-improvement, forgiveness, love, and deeper connections with myself and those close to me. Depression, in part, is a disconnection from the world and those within it. Repairing these connections, in whatever form they take, can aid in managing these emotions.

This blog, initially a platform for self-reflection, has evolved into something more profound. I see now the potential it holds, not only for my personal growth but also as a beacon of hope and understanding for others.